Over the last few weeks since my surgery, I've come to realize that there is a difference between being sick and feeling sick.

Being sick is having to go to the hospital.
Feeling sick is looking around and realizing you'd been treated in every clinic within eyesight.

Being sick is needing surgery.
Feeling sick is counting the number of tubes coming out of your body.

Being sick is needing to take pain meds.
Feeling sick is the panic that sets in when you run out of pills and don't have a refill waiting.

Being sick is losing your appetite.
Feeling sick is your skinny pants falling off your hips and your tits shriveling up.

Being sick is fatigue, nausea, weakness.
Feeling sick is admitting that you can't adequately take care of yourself, much less your baby and household.

Being sick is not having your body work the way it is supposed to.
Feeling sick is being unable to stop reliving the moment you were told you have cancer.

1 comment:

Ed said...

I am so sorry.

Being sick is curling up under your blankets to sweat out the fever.

Feeling sick is being unable to be warm when it's 80 degrees outside, and you are wearing a wool sweater under a down blanket.

It will pass, eventually, this feeling sick feeling. And the sting of that initial conversation will dull with time. But our lives are now permanently different, and that's just the truth. Sometimes we need to speak the truth for it to be heard, and other times we can just see it.

I am so sorry you are feeling sick.