Rectal CA Q&A: Part II

Back to your questions!

HH asked:

what has been toughest for you - the physical toll or the emotional toll of this experience? and can you even separate them?
It's pretty tough to separate the two, but I think the hardest thing for me is the mental component: grappling with the discovery that my body had gone and had a mutiny without my being the slightest bit aware of it, gearing up and buckling down for the long haul of my multiple phases of treatment, weathering the unpredictable ebb and flow of being in contact with people (alternately not wanting to communicate and jonesing for the next card or package), not to mention the mundane minutiae of daily life, parenting, and the care and feeding of my marriage.

Which isn't to say that the physical and emotional have been a picnic, its just that there's usually some kind of remedy at hand for them, whether it's a pill, call to a doc, check-up, or alternately a call home to mom or a good cry.

The mental piece is what's left behind when Jody has left for work, when Violet's down for her nap, and I'm left with the horrible and horrifying thoughts that go ricocheting around my head. But usually I can drown that out with another load of laundry or trip to the store. I have no time for that kind of thinking.

1 comment:

Ed said...

I can't imagine that you realy need to hear this... but I felt the same way during chemo. Everything just happened so fast with the diagnosis and the surgery and the "whoops, it's much worse than we initially thought and we need to do radiation/chemo" and the discussions about best treatment and disagreement and clinical trial and chemo/blood tests/feeling like being run over by a tank and...

You are doing all the right things - even taking breaks from the blog. Best wishes for peace of mind and body.